a very bad habit of mine

Hello again friends. I'm back from my sleep in Lazyville. It's already June and I have tons of posts that need be posting. I sometimes tend to forget that I actually have a blog, and regardless of how many people read it, I have to update and post something. I don't mind if people don't read my crap. I just have to write something.

Well, that's one bad habit of mine - I tend to forget that I have a blog. There has been so much going on around lately, that I can't even keep track on what to write about anymore. Quick question: what do I write about anyway??? I suddenly realized that I don't write about anything at all but the crap that goes on with my life. BLEAH... I guess that's the whole purpose of this blog anyway: a dump for all my emotions and stories.

The recent enrollment week (also known to me as hell week in a milder form) is over, at least for me. A lot of other students would still be lining up for subjects and payment tomorrow, until the end of the week. The enlistment/enrollment process in our university is to die for! (...or it's going to be the death of you) One is bound to die during this period due to heat exhaustion, suffocation, and downright boredom and wild varicose veins. From what I heard, there have been accounts when people have fainted (but they didn't die, thankfully). LOL my humor is so shallow, you have to forgive me for that.

And another bad habit of mine is cutting my posts short, when I already have ideas of what to actually write about, because I need to do something else. I'm sorry, but it can't be helped until I fix my schedule.

Ciao for now! XD

the 20th of april

[Finally, the internet's back up. Here's what I was supposed to post here on April 20, 2011]

[Yes, as you may have well guessed my dear reader, I am at Chockiss again making this entry.]

Yesterday was a day of sorts. Well, not really. Maybe a little bit. It was like any other day: I wake up, drink that isotonic solution my mother makes me drink, get ready for school, sit my ass off for two hours and a half, and the rest of the day was mine to waste.

We had to photocopy 44 pages from a book we were supposed to read. While waiting for the copying to finish, we had lunch at a different college. The food at their cafeteria sucked. I have no other way to put it mildly because that’s how it was. My fish fillet tasted like pancit canton (the instant noodles type) sauce, only a bit off. Their daing na bangus (fried marinated milkfish) was too salty. Enough ranting; it was still food, and I have to be thankful for that. I went home after that to put my things down.

After quite some time at home, I went out again to meet with my friends at this restobar, Kyusinero, along Matalino St. Usually a bucket of six beers would range from 250-350 pesos, but their bucket of beer was for only 216 pesos and it even came with two extra beers. It was a steal. There were only two of us at that time, and my friend opened a conversation regarding our group’s issues with our friend, who I happen to consider a best buddy. I also had issues with the guy, and quite frankly, they weren’t nice things, nor were they nasty. Still, they were issues with him. Another friend arrived and the conversation continued. During that conversation, it was bewildering that a friend who was so close to me was also a person with whom I had a lot of issues with. Not just me, but other people as well. And I agree with them.

Also at that moment, I was having a text message conversation with A, with whom I would meet some time around 5pm. And as I recall the events that have happened yesterday, I also remember the conversation we had about two nights ago. I told her that I felt that I wasn’t falling for her anymore. Considering the fact that she doesn’t want me to, I just openly said it with the warning forehand that I couldn’t put it in any other way. After that, our chat conversation was a bit rocky.

Going back to yesterday… A fetched me at around 5pm. I had to leave my friends just to be with her. We went to a certain parking lot at school since it was a bit private during the late afternoon, only to find out when we arrived that it was riddled with a lot of people walking around near their cars. We were just talking about the previous conversation mentioned above. What was supposed to be a happy meeting turned into a symphony of drama. Eventually, we got over it and things turned lighter. I began being very sweet and tender, but it probably looked like I was physically flirting with her. I knew she was enjoying every moment of it, and so was I. And what was supposed to be some tender caressing became a sensual kissing.

Nothing much happened; just that. I didn’t feel anything, except that it was a bit senseless but it felt nice to kiss someone again even though I know or feel that I’m kissing someone without feelings of love for me. I just hope that after a few months I won’t go looking for it again. Kissing people just for the fun of it, I mean. Right before we parted for our respective friends, we talked a lot. I suddenly felt that superman complex, and thought that maybe nobody else would treat her more than the way I do. She’s three years older than me, and I guess age appropriation(?) is the only thing that’s stopping us. I don’t know. I’m but a young fool still learning the ways of life.

Anyway, when I got back to my friends they were already finishing their last bottles of beer. It was around 7 or 8pm. We still had a few interestingly humorous conversations before we went to Kowloon house for light meals. I love being with my friends at this time of night because we get to talk a lot more about serious things compared to what we usually talk about early, or late in the day before nightfall. Then I went home.

easter eggs and that elusive bunny

I hate it when my mind goes blank for a few days. It feels like all the life in me has been drained by some force that leaves me dry with nothing to imagine, to wonder, to write, to laugh about...nothing to do at all. Maybe it's all this dust and heat that's been giving me a nasty cough for almost a week now. I hope I get better soon because I'm about to start training again tomorrow. My tummy's been giving me the signals and signs that I do need to get back on track with fitness and the proper diet. I'm gonna miss my happy food a lot.

BTW, I haven't posted my supposedly previous post (yeah, the one before this) because I haven't finished it yet; it's in my documents folder though.

Happy Easter, everyone. :)

[so i just had a thought: why go on an easter egg hunt when you can hunt for the bunny?]

i forgot to post this last april 14, 2011

[I’m here at the Chocolate Kiss writing this entry. This is, by the way, our favorite hangout spot here in UP. Apparently it’s not as quiet as it used to be with all the construction and renovation going on. The others haven’t arrived yet so I thought I should cook something up while I’m still alone.]

Today is April 14. I used to remember this day because it’s the birthday of my first crush. It was back in kindergarten when I first met her; she was my classmate. We always shared the big table along with three other classmates – we were the biggest kids in class. Funny, I can’t seem to recall who the other three were; it was just her that I would always remember. In 2^nd grade, every quarter, there would be a reshuffling of seating arrangement. But we would always be seated together. When we moved up to the higher levels of elementary, I apparently told her and of course there was a very big awkwardness that separated us. Of course the feelings faded in time. In high school, we became classmates again, and the teasing continued. I just played along with other people’s jokes, and I wasn’t much affected by it. Although there were times when I thought, what if I still liked her until then? But I couldn’t answer it myself; it didn’t seem plausible. Years had gone by, and I was informally invited to her 18^th birthday. Just for kicks, obviously. It was a great night though. The giveaway cupcake was scrumptious. And yes, Akazukin Cha Cha was still her favorite anime.

Mica, if you’re reading this I hope it wouldn’t bother you. Happy birthday! I hope you have a great one. God bless.

Best wishes,

R.

of wonders and woes

I find making this entry quite amusing. The words within the [ ] were actually part of the original entry which I omitted. I thought it was too much thinking and blabbering for today when I was checking for typos, but then I decided to put it up anyway.

[Today was like any other day. Or at least that's what I thought until this late afternoon.

As usual, my day begins with having to wake up to the sound of my alarm clock, only to find myself waking again after an hour later. I get suited up and teach kids how to swim, then I go home to get my stuff for afternoon training. But today, I ran home as fast as I could to get properly dressed for a lunch date. It was something I've been looking forward to since yesterday because someone special asked me out to lunch, namely, the latest girl I've mentioned in my previous post. Unfortunately, due to a mild car accident, our lunch date was cancelled. But I still went to the clinic where she was on duty to have my shoulder taped.

Something already felt off when she called and told me she had an accident. The feeling was a bit strange to me: it was like a mixture of a lot of disappointment and the thought of still seeing her anyway. But it would've meant a lot to me if we could've had lunch together. When I got to the clinic, I found my old PT there too. I was just hanging around until I decided to have my shoulder taped. There was another guy in the clinic with whom she had a thing with. It made me so uncomfy, but i shrugged the feeling off - she was mine at that time.

I kept teasing her about her taping skills. She got the first taping wrong and taped my shoulder again. While she was doing it again, I was teasing her: I was looking from her to what she was doing and back again. I did that on purpose to make her more conscious and cautious. But deep down, I felt like I was flirting with her with my eyes. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn't even look back at me. At that time, I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, but we weren't the only ones there.

With all those things running in and out of my mind, it made me realize how much of a closet romantic I am. In a way, I found it strange; it was something I didn't expect of myself. But part of being a romantic is loving, or at least that's what I think. And loving is a good thing. Bleah, I honestly don't know where I'm going with this.

Anyway, I left for football. It was a long wait, and I wish I could've stayed longer with her. She sent me a message telling me that there weren't any more people left in the clinic. I really hated that. Whenever I try to do a good thing (in this case, going early to training), I end up missing an opportunity like that. Not that I'm planning on doing something out of the ordinary with her, but I just wanted to spend more time with her alone because I don't see much of her, and considering the fact that she'll be going to medschool, I really won't be seeing her.

I miss her right now. I miss listening to her ranting, holding her tight, looking into her eyes, kissing her soft cheeks, running my hands through her hair, comforting her, all of that. But after all of that, reality gives me a hard slap - she's not even mine, she's not my girlfriend; i don't know if she'll be able to love me the way i do for her. Wait a minute... Am I in love?]

My friend called me around 30 minutes past 10pm. He was having drinks with our friends, including the girl. Just for everyone's knowledge, the friend who called me also likes the girl. Anyway, he told me that she was hugging the guy who was also with us at the clinic. When I heard that, I was so disappointed, near to the point of being ticked off. But now that I've calmed down and written my thoughts in digital format, I just let it go knowing that it was nothing. At least she says what she does with random guys is nothing, which I could totally feel. But I wish I could've been the one, because I'm not a random guy to her. Another night full of emotional episodes...

I wish she would be able to go home safe without ANYTHING happening.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

In another story, which also happened today, during football practice, a rumble broke out and as much as I wanted to join in the brutal fun, I didn't because we were all in UP. At first I stood frozen, watching them trash talking each other down until it got a bit physical. Then it happened. I really didn't know what to do at that time, but my buddy was one of those that got in the fight. To clarify things, the fight was between a guy who, for months, have been a little off with the club, and two other guys (both more senior members of the club, and one of which was my buddy). Well, there's nothing much I can say about the matter but yeah, I love sharing stories of rumbles and shit, LOL.

This was a very weird day indeed. I need to get some rest for tomorrow, for some good vibes.

first of summer

Summer usually spells F-U-N and H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, but I can't help the feeling that something (or some things) is/are always off. I'm supposed to be happy because hell (academic requirements and shit) has finally come to an end. And although I would be encountering some little bit of hell, I'm generally supposed to be happy.

Thoughts have been racing across my mind for the past few months. I've finally come to accept that my "ex" is not my ex at all, but some girl with whom I fell in love and shared love with. Honestly, I don't think that I'm completely over her. She may have been the biggest and baddest bitch in my life, who made me go through a lot of pain and suffering, but some part of me still loves her. A few minutes ago I read something about first love and it hit me hard. There will always be a little piece of me left behind - something that no other future lover would probably get. I think of her sometimes, and figure things out between us in my mind. There's no sense actually; what's done is done. How I wish I could have avoided all of this and not be stupid enough to fall for her, but it happened. I can't pretend that it didn't because of the scars that have marked my heart.

I remember the time when we first kissed. I could've sworn that my brain stopped working right when her lips touched mine. And after that night, every time we kissed, my mind would just go blank. I loved that feeling; every sense getting heightened. It was my drug, it was my addiction. Whenever I remember how we used to be, I get all teary-eyed and shit. Funny thing is: I can't have it back. Why bother looking back on what was once there? I had a friend who once shared with me her sentiments on her first love. She was scared about the idea of not being able to love someone else but her first. But I assured her that with all the boys chasing after her (and all the other boys out there), there's bound to be someone who would be able to win her heart. And I turned to myself and asked: would I ever fall in love again? I can't answer that question right now. It's too soon, or maybe too late. I don't know, I'm just 19. But yeah, the first is always the hardest.

I'm a guy, and I grew up believing in fairytales, plus I had a mother and a father who were each other's firsts. So I thought when I had her, she'd be the first and last. Unfortunately, she was just the first. I thought what happened to my mother and father could happen to me too. But, like a lot of people put it, SHIT HAPPENS.

I don't need a relationship to be happy. I don't need one at all. But I do want to be loved back as much as I would love that someone. I want to feel that someone would want to go all the way until forever with me, spending each day in each other's arms. Having to wake up each morning seeing her first, and looking into her eyes each night. Pffff... Sometimes I'd like to think that that could eventually happen to me, but after what I've been through, everything I've believed in is so blurry. I need a drink.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

About 7 weeks ago, I was introduced to a girl who I find rather attractive. She's not that type of person that would constantly check on how she looks or at least that's what I see. We've been close friends when we started having very long conversations about a day or two after we've been acquainted. Yeah, I know, it's oddly fast to be such close friends very soon. I was scared of course because it's like the same scenario between me and the girl mentioned above was happening all over again.

To cut the long story short, I told the girl how i felt for her after 3 weeks. And pretty much, she felt the same way. Well, I won't hide it, I was happy that she had feelings for me too. But like I said, like we both said, it was too soon. She even gave me plenty of good reasons why shouldn't like her. Besides the fact that she's almost three years older than me, there was another serious issue about her that surprised me. Even though all of that has been said and done, I still like her. But she doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That is why she doesn't want me to fall for her (along all the other reasons she gave me).

Right now, I'm spacing out on what to do. I really like her, but I'm stopping myself from doing so. Everything in life is so simple; why do people make things so complicated? I need another drink.

You

It's March. My birth month, and apparently my birthday was two days ago. It was the saddest birthday I've ever had. People were physically present, but they were like somewhere else. They were in different parts of the house. Nobody sang me a happy birthday song. Only me. I sat in front of my cake in the dining room, looking at it until I decided it was time to light my candle. I sang it with a smile on my face - just so that I would feel a bit better. But after that, nothing. I wasn't happy at all.

Another sad thing with my March is the fact that yesterday was the last day of my geography class, which was probably the best thing that could ever happen to me this semester. It was probably the last time I was ever going to see my crush who I'm so gaga for. I admitted it during our field trip, but since everybody was just having a great time, people just brushed it of - or so i think. But yesterday, I got to admit it again to her. This time, it wasn't just a simple "I like you." It was during a conversation over coffee we had during class (we went outside the classroom just to have coffee because we were sleepy). I just said it without hesitation since it was the last day of class and pretty much, things didn't get awkward. I wasn't really expecting anything about it but I couldn't understand her reaction because she kept saying, "Oh my God, grabe..." after everything I've been saying. I even told her about what I did for her on Valentine's Day and she said she felt bad about it. I couldn't feel it though; maybe because I haven't had any sleep making me a bit numb to emotions. After class we, our group in class, ate out for lunch. Everyone kept noticing me since I was too quiet for the day and I had my default face on, which was either being "suplado" or sad.

I kept thinking about her. I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again. Her college is just two blocks away from mine; it was really close. But then I thought why would I chase after her, she's not even interested in me. I guess yesterday was the day when I gave up on her. I still like her a lot and I really want her, but I don't think there's a chance that I'll be with her.

I'm surprised at myself for being this emotional. Usually I'm not emotional because of just a crush, but this is something new to me. Maybe I am in love with her. I don't know. My friends from our geography class invited me to this party on Sunday; just us friends. (since i was talking to a girl and i would keep referring to both my friend and my crush as her/she/etc., I'll just call my crush B from here) Anyway, she told me B was coming and that I should come too. I told her that I was avoiding B, and she asked me why. I told her I couldn't say anything else, and that it was a joke. But the truth is, I do want to avoid her. Seeing her is like a reminder of someone I can't have. Yeah, this is too much. I need to stop thinking about her this way. Let alone thinking of her.

I'll be going to a party later this evening. I hope my head gets cleared by then. I'm hungry.