Of Hearts and Heartaches

This was the first time I manned up on Valentine's Day. Yes, I asked a girl out. I was so proud of myself when I mustered up the courage to send a girl a simple text message. The only reason that kept me from doing what I did (all these years!) was probably the fear of getting rejected and looking stupid the following days after if I happen to see the girl.

It was a quiet Monday. Nothing really special except the fact that I was about to have lunch with a girl and practically enjoy every moment with her. But it didn't happen. We didn't have lunch and instead enjoying every moment with her, I had difficulty keeping to myself what I actually felt. I was so hurt. She was talking about her day and how other people have made her day already, and that she's going to have another date with someone else later in the evening. I wouldn't know if she was trying to make me jealous and playing hard to get, or she was just being plain tactless. But one thing I do know - I was crushed. Yeah, it was an almost 2-hour conversation and just keeping each other company. But the fact is, I planned something even after the lunch part. Although I'm afraid I must disappoint everyone reading this, I wouldn't disclose what I planned after that lunch. You have to ask me personally what I was planning :P

Right now I'm trying to take it out of my mind. It wouldn't do me any good sulking in a corner and wishing it could've happened. I'll try to be awesome instead.

blah blah blah rant rant rant, and lots of good stuff :)

I am honestly tired of living my life right now. Everything is in a mess - well, maybe just my room, or this house I'm living in. My thoughts are always in a haze; a lot of things are swirling inside my head into a mush. The stress is overpowering my awesomeness. I can't stand it anymore. I need more time for myself. I need to get away from all the troubles of everyday life, from school, from the clutches of the internet - basically almost everything.

I haven't cleaned my room in a while - months actually. I don't know where to put my stuff anymore in this house because of all the piles of books my uncle brings home almost everyday, the case folders and files of my aunt, the never ending piles of clothes that need to be pressed or ironed. Everything in this house is pretty much connected. When someone puts something on a space that's intended for something else, that something else is placed somewhere else, and a domino effect begins. I hope that made sense. I guess that's the case I'm working on right now. The only solution I can think of to get rid of my stuff is to give away or sell my stuff. Although my mother disagrees with that idea on the basis that I need to maximize my stuff, especially my clothes. But that could take a long time because all my clothes last long; some of my clothes have been with me since my elementary years and I'm still using them until now in my 3rd year of college.

Recently, I've been drowning myself in my music. It made me realize how uncreative I am when it comes to playing my musical instruments. Or maybe I am comparing myself too much with people who are far more experienced than me, and that I demean myself. I still want to learn how to play the sax. Kenny G and jazz have been very good inspirations to me. Speaking of jazz, I want to learn how to play jazz with my guitar and, if ever I do get a chance to have one, an electric bass guitar. Bottom line: I wish I could be as good as them, or better. I wish I could think outside the box when it comes to making music, and writing songs. Yes, I would love to write a song - something that has meaning and not just for kicks; something that is worth listening to.

I'm wondering if I'm still doing well in my studies. Fifteen units could be pretty boring; I'd rather have the max number of units I could get and get busy. But right now, requirements are choking me. To think that I aim to get a lot of units just so that I could keep myself busy. There is a price for cockiness.

The frustrations of everyday life. I wonder if it's normal for an eighteen year-old to feel this much pressure internally and externally.

Even with all the worries I have, I still manage to live every day in a good way. It's not much, but I get by. Friends. Family. They are the ones who make me keep going. They give me reason to live.

It's very funny that I express my negative side more, compared to saying positive things. The reason for that is probably because I like to keep those good things to myself, and let the bad ones go. :)