easter eggs and that elusive bunny

I hate it when my mind goes blank for a few days. It feels like all the life in me has been drained by some force that leaves me dry with nothing to imagine, to wonder, to write, to laugh about...nothing to do at all. Maybe it's all this dust and heat that's been giving me a nasty cough for almost a week now. I hope I get better soon because I'm about to start training again tomorrow. My tummy's been giving me the signals and signs that I do need to get back on track with fitness and the proper diet. I'm gonna miss my happy food a lot.

BTW, I haven't posted my supposedly previous post (yeah, the one before this) because I haven't finished it yet; it's in my documents folder though.

Happy Easter, everyone. :)

[so i just had a thought: why go on an easter egg hunt when you can hunt for the bunny?]

i forgot to post this last april 14, 2011

[I’m here at the Chocolate Kiss writing this entry. This is, by the way, our favorite hangout spot here in UP. Apparently it’s not as quiet as it used to be with all the construction and renovation going on. The others haven’t arrived yet so I thought I should cook something up while I’m still alone.]

Today is April 14. I used to remember this day because it’s the birthday of my first crush. It was back in kindergarten when I first met her; she was my classmate. We always shared the big table along with three other classmates – we were the biggest kids in class. Funny, I can’t seem to recall who the other three were; it was just her that I would always remember. In 2^nd grade, every quarter, there would be a reshuffling of seating arrangement. But we would always be seated together. When we moved up to the higher levels of elementary, I apparently told her and of course there was a very big awkwardness that separated us. Of course the feelings faded in time. In high school, we became classmates again, and the teasing continued. I just played along with other people’s jokes, and I wasn’t much affected by it. Although there were times when I thought, what if I still liked her until then? But I couldn’t answer it myself; it didn’t seem plausible. Years had gone by, and I was informally invited to her 18^th birthday. Just for kicks, obviously. It was a great night though. The giveaway cupcake was scrumptious. And yes, Akazukin Cha Cha was still her favorite anime.

Mica, if you’re reading this I hope it wouldn’t bother you. Happy birthday! I hope you have a great one. God bless.

Best wishes,

R.

of wonders and woes

I find making this entry quite amusing. The words within the [ ] were actually part of the original entry which I omitted. I thought it was too much thinking and blabbering for today when I was checking for typos, but then I decided to put it up anyway.

[Today was like any other day. Or at least that's what I thought until this late afternoon.

As usual, my day begins with having to wake up to the sound of my alarm clock, only to find myself waking again after an hour later. I get suited up and teach kids how to swim, then I go home to get my stuff for afternoon training. But today, I ran home as fast as I could to get properly dressed for a lunch date. It was something I've been looking forward to since yesterday because someone special asked me out to lunch, namely, the latest girl I've mentioned in my previous post. Unfortunately, due to a mild car accident, our lunch date was cancelled. But I still went to the clinic where she was on duty to have my shoulder taped.

Something already felt off when she called and told me she had an accident. The feeling was a bit strange to me: it was like a mixture of a lot of disappointment and the thought of still seeing her anyway. But it would've meant a lot to me if we could've had lunch together. When I got to the clinic, I found my old PT there too. I was just hanging around until I decided to have my shoulder taped. There was another guy in the clinic with whom she had a thing with. It made me so uncomfy, but i shrugged the feeling off - she was mine at that time.

I kept teasing her about her taping skills. She got the first taping wrong and taped my shoulder again. While she was doing it again, I was teasing her: I was looking from her to what she was doing and back again. I did that on purpose to make her more conscious and cautious. But deep down, I felt like I was flirting with her with my eyes. She was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn't even look back at me. At that time, I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, but we weren't the only ones there.

With all those things running in and out of my mind, it made me realize how much of a closet romantic I am. In a way, I found it strange; it was something I didn't expect of myself. But part of being a romantic is loving, or at least that's what I think. And loving is a good thing. Bleah, I honestly don't know where I'm going with this.

Anyway, I left for football. It was a long wait, and I wish I could've stayed longer with her. She sent me a message telling me that there weren't any more people left in the clinic. I really hated that. Whenever I try to do a good thing (in this case, going early to training), I end up missing an opportunity like that. Not that I'm planning on doing something out of the ordinary with her, but I just wanted to spend more time with her alone because I don't see much of her, and considering the fact that she'll be going to medschool, I really won't be seeing her.

I miss her right now. I miss listening to her ranting, holding her tight, looking into her eyes, kissing her soft cheeks, running my hands through her hair, comforting her, all of that. But after all of that, reality gives me a hard slap - she's not even mine, she's not my girlfriend; i don't know if she'll be able to love me the way i do for her. Wait a minute... Am I in love?]

My friend called me around 30 minutes past 10pm. He was having drinks with our friends, including the girl. Just for everyone's knowledge, the friend who called me also likes the girl. Anyway, he told me that she was hugging the guy who was also with us at the clinic. When I heard that, I was so disappointed, near to the point of being ticked off. But now that I've calmed down and written my thoughts in digital format, I just let it go knowing that it was nothing. At least she says what she does with random guys is nothing, which I could totally feel. But I wish I could've been the one, because I'm not a random guy to her. Another night full of emotional episodes...

I wish she would be able to go home safe without ANYTHING happening.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

In another story, which also happened today, during football practice, a rumble broke out and as much as I wanted to join in the brutal fun, I didn't because we were all in UP. At first I stood frozen, watching them trash talking each other down until it got a bit physical. Then it happened. I really didn't know what to do at that time, but my buddy was one of those that got in the fight. To clarify things, the fight was between a guy who, for months, have been a little off with the club, and two other guys (both more senior members of the club, and one of which was my buddy). Well, there's nothing much I can say about the matter but yeah, I love sharing stories of rumbles and shit, LOL.

This was a very weird day indeed. I need to get some rest for tomorrow, for some good vibes.

first of summer

Summer usually spells F-U-N and H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S, but I can't help the feeling that something (or some things) is/are always off. I'm supposed to be happy because hell (academic requirements and shit) has finally come to an end. And although I would be encountering some little bit of hell, I'm generally supposed to be happy.

Thoughts have been racing across my mind for the past few months. I've finally come to accept that my "ex" is not my ex at all, but some girl with whom I fell in love and shared love with. Honestly, I don't think that I'm completely over her. She may have been the biggest and baddest bitch in my life, who made me go through a lot of pain and suffering, but some part of me still loves her. A few minutes ago I read something about first love and it hit me hard. There will always be a little piece of me left behind - something that no other future lover would probably get. I think of her sometimes, and figure things out between us in my mind. There's no sense actually; what's done is done. How I wish I could have avoided all of this and not be stupid enough to fall for her, but it happened. I can't pretend that it didn't because of the scars that have marked my heart.

I remember the time when we first kissed. I could've sworn that my brain stopped working right when her lips touched mine. And after that night, every time we kissed, my mind would just go blank. I loved that feeling; every sense getting heightened. It was my drug, it was my addiction. Whenever I remember how we used to be, I get all teary-eyed and shit. Funny thing is: I can't have it back. Why bother looking back on what was once there? I had a friend who once shared with me her sentiments on her first love. She was scared about the idea of not being able to love someone else but her first. But I assured her that with all the boys chasing after her (and all the other boys out there), there's bound to be someone who would be able to win her heart. And I turned to myself and asked: would I ever fall in love again? I can't answer that question right now. It's too soon, or maybe too late. I don't know, I'm just 19. But yeah, the first is always the hardest.

I'm a guy, and I grew up believing in fairytales, plus I had a mother and a father who were each other's firsts. So I thought when I had her, she'd be the first and last. Unfortunately, she was just the first. I thought what happened to my mother and father could happen to me too. But, like a lot of people put it, SHIT HAPPENS.

I don't need a relationship to be happy. I don't need one at all. But I do want to be loved back as much as I would love that someone. I want to feel that someone would want to go all the way until forever with me, spending each day in each other's arms. Having to wake up each morning seeing her first, and looking into her eyes each night. Pffff... Sometimes I'd like to think that that could eventually happen to me, but after what I've been through, everything I've believed in is so blurry. I need a drink.

----- ----- ----- ----- -----

About 7 weeks ago, I was introduced to a girl who I find rather attractive. She's not that type of person that would constantly check on how she looks or at least that's what I see. We've been close friends when we started having very long conversations about a day or two after we've been acquainted. Yeah, I know, it's oddly fast to be such close friends very soon. I was scared of course because it's like the same scenario between me and the girl mentioned above was happening all over again.

To cut the long story short, I told the girl how i felt for her after 3 weeks. And pretty much, she felt the same way. Well, I won't hide it, I was happy that she had feelings for me too. But like I said, like we both said, it was too soon. She even gave me plenty of good reasons why shouldn't like her. Besides the fact that she's almost three years older than me, there was another serious issue about her that surprised me. Even though all of that has been said and done, I still like her. But she doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That is why she doesn't want me to fall for her (along all the other reasons she gave me).

Right now, I'm spacing out on what to do. I really like her, but I'm stopping myself from doing so. Everything in life is so simple; why do people make things so complicated? I need another drink.