Thoughts have been racing across my mind for the past few months. I've finally come to accept that my "ex" is not my ex at all, but some girl with whom I fell in love and shared love with. Honestly, I don't think that I'm completely over her. She may have been the biggest and baddest bitch in my life, who made me go through a lot of pain and suffering, but some part of me still loves her. A few minutes ago I read something about first love and it hit me hard. There will always be a little piece of me left behind - something that no other future lover would probably get. I think of her sometimes, and figure things out between us in my mind. There's no sense actually; what's done is done. How I wish I could have avoided all of this and not be stupid enough to fall for her, but it happened. I can't pretend that it didn't because of the scars that have marked my heart.
I remember the time when we first kissed. I could've sworn that my brain stopped working right when her lips touched mine. And after that night, every time we kissed, my mind would just go blank. I loved that feeling; every sense getting heightened. It was my drug, it was my addiction. Whenever I remember how we used to be, I get all teary-eyed and shit. Funny thing is: I can't have it back. Why bother looking back on what was once there? I had a friend who once shared with me her sentiments on her first love. She was scared about the idea of not being able to love someone else but her first. But I assured her that with all the boys chasing after her (and all the other boys out there), there's bound to be someone who would be able to win her heart. And I turned to myself and asked: would I ever fall in love again? I can't answer that question right now. It's too soon, or maybe too late. I don't know, I'm just 19. But yeah, the first is always the hardest.
I'm a guy, and I grew up believing in fairytales, plus I had a mother and a father who were each other's firsts. So I thought when I had her, she'd be the first and last. Unfortunately, she was just the first. I thought what happened to my mother and father could happen to me too. But, like a lot of people put it, SHIT HAPPENS.
I don't need a relationship to be happy. I don't need one at all. But I do want to be loved back as much as I would love that someone. I want to feel that someone would want to go all the way until forever with me, spending each day in each other's arms. Having to wake up each morning seeing her first, and looking into her eyes each night. Pffff... Sometimes I'd like to think that that could eventually happen to me, but after what I've been through, everything I've believed in is so blurry. I need a drink.
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About 7 weeks ago, I was introduced to a girl who I find rather attractive. She's not that type of person that would constantly check on how she looks or at least that's what I see. We've been close friends when we started having very long conversations about a day or two after we've been acquainted. Yeah, I know, it's oddly fast to be such close friends very soon. I was scared of course because it's like the same scenario between me and the girl mentioned above was happening all over again.
To cut the long story short, I told the girl how i felt for her after 3 weeks. And pretty much, she felt the same way. Well, I won't hide it, I was happy that she had feelings for me too. But like I said, like we both said, it was too soon. She even gave me plenty of good reasons why shouldn't like her. Besides the fact that she's almost three years older than me, there was another serious issue about her that surprised me. Even though all of that has been said and done, I still like her. But she doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That is why she doesn't want me to fall for her (along all the other reasons she gave me).
Right now, I'm spacing out on what to do. I really like her, but I'm stopping myself from doing so. Everything in life is so simple; why do people make things so complicated? I need another drink.
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