You

It's March. My birth month, and apparently my birthday was two days ago. It was the saddest birthday I've ever had. People were physically present, but they were like somewhere else. They were in different parts of the house. Nobody sang me a happy birthday song. Only me. I sat in front of my cake in the dining room, looking at it until I decided it was time to light my candle. I sang it with a smile on my face - just so that I would feel a bit better. But after that, nothing. I wasn't happy at all.

Another sad thing with my March is the fact that yesterday was the last day of my geography class, which was probably the best thing that could ever happen to me this semester. It was probably the last time I was ever going to see my crush who I'm so gaga for. I admitted it during our field trip, but since everybody was just having a great time, people just brushed it of - or so i think. But yesterday, I got to admit it again to her. This time, it wasn't just a simple "I like you." It was during a conversation over coffee we had during class (we went outside the classroom just to have coffee because we were sleepy). I just said it without hesitation since it was the last day of class and pretty much, things didn't get awkward. I wasn't really expecting anything about it but I couldn't understand her reaction because she kept saying, "Oh my God, grabe..." after everything I've been saying. I even told her about what I did for her on Valentine's Day and she said she felt bad about it. I couldn't feel it though; maybe because I haven't had any sleep making me a bit numb to emotions. After class we, our group in class, ate out for lunch. Everyone kept noticing me since I was too quiet for the day and I had my default face on, which was either being "suplado" or sad.

I kept thinking about her. I wonder if I'll ever get to see her again. Her college is just two blocks away from mine; it was really close. But then I thought why would I chase after her, she's not even interested in me. I guess yesterday was the day when I gave up on her. I still like her a lot and I really want her, but I don't think there's a chance that I'll be with her.

I'm surprised at myself for being this emotional. Usually I'm not emotional because of just a crush, but this is something new to me. Maybe I am in love with her. I don't know. My friends from our geography class invited me to this party on Sunday; just us friends. (since i was talking to a girl and i would keep referring to both my friend and my crush as her/she/etc., I'll just call my crush B from here) Anyway, she told me B was coming and that I should come too. I told her that I was avoiding B, and she asked me why. I told her I couldn't say anything else, and that it was a joke. But the truth is, I do want to avoid her. Seeing her is like a reminder of someone I can't have. Yeah, this is too much. I need to stop thinking about her this way. Let alone thinking of her.

I'll be going to a party later this evening. I hope my head gets cleared by then. I'm hungry.