Of Hearts and Heartaches

This was the first time I manned up on Valentine's Day. Yes, I asked a girl out. I was so proud of myself when I mustered up the courage to send a girl a simple text message. The only reason that kept me from doing what I did (all these years!) was probably the fear of getting rejected and looking stupid the following days after if I happen to see the girl.

It was a quiet Monday. Nothing really special except the fact that I was about to have lunch with a girl and practically enjoy every moment with her. But it didn't happen. We didn't have lunch and instead enjoying every moment with her, I had difficulty keeping to myself what I actually felt. I was so hurt. She was talking about her day and how other people have made her day already, and that she's going to have another date with someone else later in the evening. I wouldn't know if she was trying to make me jealous and playing hard to get, or she was just being plain tactless. But one thing I do know - I was crushed. Yeah, it was an almost 2-hour conversation and just keeping each other company. But the fact is, I planned something even after the lunch part. Although I'm afraid I must disappoint everyone reading this, I wouldn't disclose what I planned after that lunch. You have to ask me personally what I was planning :P

Right now I'm trying to take it out of my mind. It wouldn't do me any good sulking in a corner and wishing it could've happened. I'll try to be awesome instead.

blah blah blah rant rant rant, and lots of good stuff :)

I am honestly tired of living my life right now. Everything is in a mess - well, maybe just my room, or this house I'm living in. My thoughts are always in a haze; a lot of things are swirling inside my head into a mush. The stress is overpowering my awesomeness. I can't stand it anymore. I need more time for myself. I need to get away from all the troubles of everyday life, from school, from the clutches of the internet - basically almost everything.

I haven't cleaned my room in a while - months actually. I don't know where to put my stuff anymore in this house because of all the piles of books my uncle brings home almost everyday, the case folders and files of my aunt, the never ending piles of clothes that need to be pressed or ironed. Everything in this house is pretty much connected. When someone puts something on a space that's intended for something else, that something else is placed somewhere else, and a domino effect begins. I hope that made sense. I guess that's the case I'm working on right now. The only solution I can think of to get rid of my stuff is to give away or sell my stuff. Although my mother disagrees with that idea on the basis that I need to maximize my stuff, especially my clothes. But that could take a long time because all my clothes last long; some of my clothes have been with me since my elementary years and I'm still using them until now in my 3rd year of college.

Recently, I've been drowning myself in my music. It made me realize how uncreative I am when it comes to playing my musical instruments. Or maybe I am comparing myself too much with people who are far more experienced than me, and that I demean myself. I still want to learn how to play the sax. Kenny G and jazz have been very good inspirations to me. Speaking of jazz, I want to learn how to play jazz with my guitar and, if ever I do get a chance to have one, an electric bass guitar. Bottom line: I wish I could be as good as them, or better. I wish I could think outside the box when it comes to making music, and writing songs. Yes, I would love to write a song - something that has meaning and not just for kicks; something that is worth listening to.

I'm wondering if I'm still doing well in my studies. Fifteen units could be pretty boring; I'd rather have the max number of units I could get and get busy. But right now, requirements are choking me. To think that I aim to get a lot of units just so that I could keep myself busy. There is a price for cockiness.

The frustrations of everyday life. I wonder if it's normal for an eighteen year-old to feel this much pressure internally and externally.

Even with all the worries I have, I still manage to live every day in a good way. It's not much, but I get by. Friends. Family. They are the ones who make me keep going. They give me reason to live.

It's very funny that I express my negative side more, compared to saying positive things. The reason for that is probably because I like to keep those good things to myself, and let the bad ones go. :)

first for 2011

Hello Blog. I feel so awkward blogging again for the first time in weeks. It feels a bit off. Maybe because of the laziness kicking in - the laziness in doing almost anything. I still have some unfinished blog entries which I promised to post, but that could come later. I do keep my promises, although that doesn't mean I do whatever it is that i promised right away.

Recently, and by that I mean for the past weeks, I've been thinking a lot about this girl. I think I'm in love with her. Some other part of me says it might just be infatuation. This is all so confusing. I never thought loving (or liking) would be so perplex. I always thought of it as something simple. Yes, it is so simple to love at the same time it is not. I do recall something that goes like: "Love is simple. We just make it complicated." I have dwelt on that thought for so long, I can't even remember when. I think it was from a film.

Baaah! Who am I kidding... I shouldn't think about this too much. I have more important matters to think of - like my social science paper (but that could come later). Oh! That just rhymed, didn't it?! I love coming up with those lines that rhyme.

Right now my thoughts are very incoherent and I don't know what to put next. I'd better stop right here for the meantime before I put a lot of blah blah blah and yadda yadda yadda like in my other entries. It just makes me laugh when I read my old entries that are full of unorganized trains of thought.

this christmas season

Funny how time flies so fast. It's already December and I haven't pretty much done what I'm supposed to do this year. This month has been very stressful for me because of the amounting requirements before the Christmas break. Only a few days left until freedom. I could taste it: that Christmas-y flavored air. That's all the blogging I could do for now because I have to get back to work. Lots and lots of work. Ciao!

i thought vacation breaks weren't supposed to be boring

It's the last day of our semester break and I haven't done much during my vacation. Mostly it's just bumming out, pigging out, or hanging out with friends. Not much adventures. The funny thing is, most of my adventures happen during the regular semesters. Anyway, I couldn't help thinking what I might have done during the break. But then again, I wouldn't be able to do the things I want to do because of budget constraints.

I've been doing some running during the break, only they weren't as regular as it used to be. Once you stop doing something, it's like going back to square one. Same goes for swimming. I can't remember the count, but it's like five weeks since I last swam in a pool. This is going to be great. It's going to take a while to get the strokes and the kicks back - the running too. I should be preparing myself for this annual aquathlon I've been joining since 2009. I remember the time I was checking for the results. It was all confounding with the swim portion. The previous and the more recent time i made were only neck and neck. Funny thing there was was that I didn't train for the event during my first participation, and I did train for the recent one. I guess I'm going on what we call a "plateau" instead of "peaking." The run portion was way better than the first, even though the more recent one had an extra kilometer added. It's back to being serious in training for me. And I'm not just saying that. I really have to stick to what I say with regards to training.

Sometimes, there is this dilemma I'm facing. I want to be a better athlete, but I'm not doing anything about it; the laziness just kicks in. I think it's the first thing I have to work on: kick out the laziness and look for better motivation. May God help me with that.

Well, that's it for now. I gotta get some things done before tomorrow.

it's been a while

It certainly has. I still have two unpublished posts and I guess I'm not going to publish them anymore since those aren't exactly in line with what's happening now. Although I'm still having second thoughts about it.

Right now, I just realized there's something missing in my life right now. The last time I had this feeling was back in high school. I don't know what's the matter with me. Everything feels like a total mess and I'm in deep sh*t. I don't want to think of it this way, but I guess it has something to do with whatever's going on with me: it's her. My ex I mean. It's not that I can't get over her. Maybe it's because she left a void when she left me. And I've been wanting someone to fill that empty space. I know there are friends who are always there for me, who can always cheer me up when I'm down, and all those sweet and wonderful things associated with friends... but you know what I'm talking about.

Well, that's one thing I'm thinking of with regards to my issues. Heck, I don't even sounds like a guy. Jeez... and I feel like angst is about to enter the picture any minute now. Ugh... I'll just go to sleep and bum around later.

holding it out

It's been a while. The end of the semester is just a few days away, and that means all the heavy load is going to get dumped on us. Actually, we've been getting dumped at with lots of school work since last week. I wonder why professors do that: giving out all the heavy load when the semester is nearly ending. It's all bleah... Until I finish this semester, I won't be able to blog much. There are so many things that need to be put on paper, or in this case, on digital writing space. Ciao!